It occurs to me, sitting here having a crying and staring party, that I am still amazed that people are so loathe to say that they are mentally and/or emotionally not okay. It is one of those taboos I had to work to understand and still do not, in many ways. It seems that it is a fact just like any other but it carries a stigma of weakness and contamination that leads most people to hide it at all costs. A diabetic and a bipolar psychotic are treated very differently and in that, mostly due to my own experience, I have learned to accept the taboo though I still do not understand it, not really. The way you know why your feelings are hurt for example, but you don’t understand why they have to hurt. Pain is bewildering, so is ostracism.
The reason this occurred to me is rather absurd: I thought of my Twitter and facebook accounts. Updates are the name of the game for both of those venues and you’ve got to be recent or be dead … untrafficked, at least. I haven’t been updating anything because I am depressed.
Don’t worry. Amongst my other talents, I’m a professional. I have bipolar disorder; it can get ugly at times but it is nothing new. I’ve lived with it my entire life (and a host of other mental issues that come along with being the daughter of a crazy person and a chronic depressive, genetics are a killer). This is why, time and again, I have learned that everything passes, the good and the bad. It can be difficult to remember at times like this but that’s what my robot heart is for—remote and impersonal evaluations of ridiculously complex and emotional situations.
So, I thought, I’ll update with Melynda Yesenia is depressed, or simply, Boo, depression, but quickly realized that to do so would only accomplish four things.
- Nothing. This is the internet, not therapy, and to think that passive-aggressively reaching out will take the place of the real thing is self-defeating.
- Counterproductive Questions. Often people see an unusually down post as a cry for help to which they are supposed to respond. If I have to answer questions like “What’s wrong?” I go from merely depressed to depressed-angry-terrified in a heartbeat. That’s sort of the point, though I can only speak for my own depressions, there is nothing else so wrong as me. I am what is wrong and I always will be and that is not the sort of answer for which there is a solution other than time, restraint, and perspective.
There are few questions so terrible as “Are you okay?” when I am not okay, especially if it is accompanied by a gentle, reassuring hand on my shoulder. I know it is irrational but, there it is. I do not keep much company with therapists … or Cancers. - Advice. Due to that mental health stigma, admitting to being truly depressed makes people uncomfortable and people say really stupid things when they’re socially discomfited (I know I do). I’ve heard things like, “You should try to get more exercise,” “Have you thought about seeing a doctor about that?” and “St. John’s Wort. You should take that and Ginkgo and you’ll feel better in no time.” While it may be well-intended, this is not helpful. There are only so many ways and so many times I can politely, obliquely say, Thank-you for your concern, but shut up.
- Confusing frustration. Invariably in the past when I have said that I am depressed, (if I’ve had to invoke the Sixth Rule*) at least one person will respond with “Oh, I know what you mean,” referring to a breakup or a difficult job-hunt or some such. These days the word “depressed” is synonymous with “sad” and sometimes even “bored” and though there are elements of sadness in depression, it is simply not the same. This is a bit like grief in that you can certainly empathize all you need but I don’t need to hear about it. When I’m inside the tunnel, I don’t care if you’ve been there too—you don’t know how I feel. Again, it’s irrational but, there it is.
*The Sixth Rule, from my Crazy Survival Rules: Leave the apartment at least five out of every seven days. Speak to at least three people at least six of every seven days; text, email, SNSing do not count. So, I get one day off a week. For someone who frequently flirts with hermitic life, this can be quite difficult. On the other hand, I have lots of practice pretending to be normal so once out in the world, it’s not so much of a train-wreck as it could be.
After reading this through I realized that it may sound very negative, hostile even. Don’t try to help. You are wrong and can never understand me. Shut up, shut up, shut up. … Well, part and parcel I suppose but I should say it isn’t all support I find unacceptable, just some. It is rather like my touch policy. I generally cannot stand to be touched but I also crave physical interaction, but only from some people and only some of the time (cat syndrome).
I hope you don’t know what this is like at all but according to the latest statistics, chances are you do. It is assumed that everyone will be affected by depression in their lifetimes, either as a sufferer or as the friend/family member/etc. of a sufferer. Anywhere from three to fifteen million American adults experience depression in any given year, with those numbers rising all the time. And worldwide depression is …
Ugh, okay, you know what, look it up. I really can’t keep reading about it right now.
Actually, considering the statistics, maybe you shouldn’t either. Maybe pet a dog, go for a walk, or eat a piece of chocolate instead. I have neither dog, desire to be mugged, nor chocolate so I’m going to go play a moderately aggressive yet non-threatening video game, try to stop listening to Thom Yorke, and depersonalize for a few days.
You know, I said it before and here we are again—2010? Wow, what an incredible beginning… Incredible: ‘unbelievable’ or ‘not convincing’ :: applied to a situation, statement, policy, or threat to a person.
Yeah, absolutely incredible.
I hope you don’t mind the comment. I actually read an interesting take on Tracy Morgan’s character in 30 Rock, with his nonspecific mental illness being a positive, modeling a world where a (sorta) functional person’s crazy is just another thing about them, totally accepted by peers and colleagues.
Also: Yeah. Just yeah.
I welcome the comment, definitely.
I agree with that take on Morgan’s character. I remember thinking that when I first watched the show.
I realize that this is almost a year old, but in a way I find it comforting to know that I am not the only one who deals with depression. Mine was so bad I became reclusive in my late teens and stayed that way until not too long ago. As a teen I loved going to live theater and such, but quit going altogether. As a result, I didn’t know who a lot of actors and such were simply because I would only watch classic movies and such.
I forced myself into a public profession to try to “break out of it”. It seemed to help. At least now I do venture out without being forced to go to my former place of employment. I went from being a corrections sergeant back into teaching. Being around students and other teachers has really helped me in the past few months, but I was very glad to see 2010 come to a close. For me, working in this environment is much more positive and a person who is depressed doesn’t need to work at my former place of employment. It can actually make things worse, given the atmosphere in that place.
I am glad to be accepted as I am, but at least my family now realizes what a struggle it is for me to do something as simple as “go to church” or “participate in public events”. My friends now are more understanding when I turn down invitations to certain things as well. At least I am making myself go to live theater and such again. These are things I loved when I was younger. I also take long walks on a mountain nearby to gain a sense of clarity, and I often take my journal with me there.
I have so much I want to do now, and I was so glad to see 2010 come to a CLOSE! I hope that 2011 goes well for you. Thank you for your post.